I always used to wonder what drove someone to commit a “crime of passion”. These stories play out before your eyes as you surf past a Dateline or 48 Hours show. 

When I found out my wife was sleeping with another man, I discovered the deep feelings of jealousy and rage that lead to these crimes. 

If you give into these feelings, you have the potential to cause incredible damage. The stories on these TV crime dramas were fueled by out of control jealousy. The end result was a crime. In a sad twist of fate, the man that was wronged ends up harming the one who wronged him. He lands behind bars, unable to fight for his children, and left to sit quietly in his pain.

No matter how justified you may feel in avenging the wrong that has been done by your wife’s lover, you must restrain yourself. Otherwise, you risk destroying your future and doing deep damage to your children.

What can you do with the rage you feel in your heart right now? Here are some practical things:

1. Reach Out

Let some trusted people know how you feel. Look for level-headed friends who will talk some sense into you. (This is one of the reasons we created theShe Cheated Community.)

2. Avoid Friends Who Throw Fuel on the Fire

Avoid the kind of friends that say, “Let’s go get him!” These type of friends will think they are meaning well, but they are not helpful.

3. Hand Over Your Guns To a Trusted Friend

Years ago, a friend of mine whose wife was having an affair called me over to his house. He asked if I would keep his firearms for him. For the next year, I stored his guns at my house. The wisdom behind this was profound. It helped ensure that he didn’t have access to weapons that he could use against his wife, her boyfriend, or himself during a weak moment. Even if you are an avid Second Amendment supporter, I recommend you consider handing over your weapons. 

4. See The Big Picture

Remember, this is only a season. The bigger picture is that you have a future. Your children have a future. What you are going through right now is only a season of your life. Lashing out in rage will damage your future. To help remember that, put pictures of your kids around your house. Write down a vision for your future and put it by your bed. 

5. Have a Plan

You will experience jealousy-fueled rage. You will be surprised at things you consider doing that you’ve never considered before. This will happen. Knowing that, the smart thing to do is to build a plan. Your first instincts will not be productive. You may want to listen to angry music or down some stiff drinks. All this will do is fuel your rage and lower your ability to control yourself. 

Instead, proactively create a written list of things that you will do when you feel the rage come on. This action plan could include texting a friend, going for a walk, going to the gym, going for a run, listening to worship music, praying, or playing your guitar. 

For me, I found it helpful to interrupt the pattern. Physical activity helped a lot because it allowed me to defuse the emotional energy. 

You will feel levels of rage and jealousy that you may have never thought were possible. Be careful. While these feelings are justified, letting them control you will lead to actions that could ruin your life.

We are here to help. The She Cheated Community is led by men who know what you are feeling. I encourage you to get connected so you can avoid making bad decisions and move toward healing and growth.