Countless songs have the lyrics, “She makes me feel like a man.” Deeply engrained in our culture is the assumption that women are the ones who make us feel like men.

Since the dawn of creation, as men we have tended to look to women for our identity. Under normal circumstances, this is a dangerous way to live. Now that your wife has cheated, getting your identity and comfort from her is no longer an option.

We want to know, “Am I a real man?” Related questions are, “Am I lovable?” and “Do I have what it takes?”

Where do we get answers to these questions? For most men, the source is women.

This begins early in our lives. As boys, we want to feel like a man so we look for the attention of a girl. Through the formative teenage years as we struggle to figure out who we are, girls are there to answer our questions. For most men, looking to women continues on into adulthood.

Taking these questions of identity to women happens all the more if we don’t have good masculine role models in our lives. Fathers who were absent, abusive, or controlling do not affirm our masculine identity. Neither to other boys who can be especially cruel to others in their quest to nail down their masculine identity.

In marriage, we think we get this question of masculinity permanently answered. She’s committed her life to be with me, therefore, I am a real man. I have a woman. She loves me.

Then marriage happens. Kids happen. Sex gets boring and infrequent. She doesn’t always answer your questions in a positive way. You end up fantasizing about a woman who will affirm you as a man. Maybe you go online to pornography to fantasize about a woman who tells you, “Yes, you have what it takes—you are a real man.” Of course, we know that’s fake. While we want more, we know that it really doesn’t answer the question.

Here’s the problem. No woman can tell you who you are as a man. Sure, having her love and validation is great. The problem is that she is a bottomless pit of need. If she is your source of answers about your masculinity, you’re going to live with an aching hole in your heart.

This aching hole is especially painful during this season where your wife has gone to another man. Since you’ve given her the power to give you your identity as a man, you now realize that you’ve given her the power to take that identity away.

If she can tell you “you are a man” she can also tell you the opposite. When she cheats with another man, the message to your heart is, “You’re not a real man. You’re not enough. You do not have what it takes.”

The bottom line is this. She cannot give you identity as a man. She wasn’t meant to be the primary source of your identity as a man. In fact, it’s way too much pressure for her to carry.

Identity can only be given by the one who created the object. In the case of a man or woman, the Creator is God Himself. He is the One who bestows masculine identity. Try looking to God for this. Ask Him to affirm you as a man. When you feel weak, lonely, and insecure, go to God.

Identity can also be affirmed by other men. This is a good season to lean into your friendships. What you’ll discover is that the fellowship of men is a good source of masculine identity. Of course, make sure to look to GOOD men—especially men who walk with God. The fellowship of men who are chasing identity through women will NOT be helpful to you in this season.

Every man struggles with getting their identity from women. One of the best things you can discover in this season is that your masculine identity can come from God and be affirmed by other men. It was supposed to be this way all along. As she is no longer able to answer this question for you, you have the opportunity to get this right.

As you look to God for your masculine identity, you will find healing. You’ll put yourself in a place to be a better father to your children during this hard time. Whether your marriage gets restored or you end up starting over, when you get your masculine identity from God you’ll set yourself up to succeed in relationships going forward